dwayne-johnson-and-ilfenesh-hadera-in-baywatch-2017.jpg

Tyler K. Lopez

@kuulanilopez

Nooooow thiiiiiiiiiiiis iiiiiiiiisssss hooooooooooow yooooouuuu slooooowwwww motiooooon aaaaaaa reviewwwwwwww… Okay well I tried. Baywatch the movie is the triumphant return of the classic television series starring hot people on the beach being ridiculous. Except now… it’s even hotter and even more ridiculous. I mean seriously just shockingly attractive and yet these jerks are also fun to be around making them perfect human specimens. I mean, if they weren’t so human, they’d be… probably aliens or something. I’ll put it this way, I’d send aliens that movie in order to scare them into thinking we’re all that fit… and also that stupid. But let’s get going! There are people to save!

1- Writing: 4/10

This is a review, so I’ve got to be professional about this, but the writing was awful. Sometimes it was fun awful and sometimes it was just… maddening awful. The review side of me says that the writing is occasionally lazy and condescending and the fun, not lame side of me says don’t worry about it bruh, it’s cool.

2- Direction: 7/10

Baywatch is directed by Seth Gordon who is famous for directing… almost nothing that you’d think of off the top of your head. Seth has directed various episodes of some of your favorite tv shows though like “Modern Family”, “The Office”, “Parks and Rec”, and “Community”. He also directed the first (and better) “Horrible Bosses” movie. Any who, Baywatch’s direction isn’t great. The plot just sort of goes without any structure, but who cares? I’m not watching this movie for a plot… duh.

3- Cinematography: 9/10

Oh c’mon! This is Baywatch! There’s awesome shots everywhere! There are fun shots all over this movie and yes most of them are in slow motion. They found a fantastic beach in Florida and had some just gorgeous shots of gorgeous people… and Jon Bass.

4- Acting: 8/10

There were a few low points, but none of them came from the main talent. Obviously Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron just do the things they always do by being funny and sexy at the same time. The ladies brought it just as hard though with Alexandra Daddario, Ilfanesh Hadera, Priyanka Chopra, and especially Kelly Rohrbach who was fantastic, funny, and so easy to look at that it should be illegal for her to also have a great personality. Also Jon Bass is in this movie for some reason.

5- Editing: 6/10

The pace of this movie is sort of confusing. I’m not sure how long a day is at the Bay. This movie might have been over three days. It may also have been over 4 months… It’s sort of impossible to tell. Maybe it’s the slow motion. Maybe it’s because you- that is to say I- couldn’t stop staring at the cast and got lost in their statuesque beauty… Probably both.

6- Sound: 6/10

The sound was really spotty. At times people would be quieter like they were on the other side of a room and then in the same scene be very loud and clear like they’re your parents talking into a Bluetooth. Other than that, everything was pretty passable, but nothing special.

7- Soundtrack/Score: 10/10

Am I serious? Oh I’m deadly serious. The music was fantastic! The songs perfectly played to the moment and made the experience so much more engaging. The soundtrack might have been the only thing more attractive than the cast. Is attractive the right word?… Yeah… Yeah that’s definitely right. I make good words when I watch Baywatch. Good speech work. I can.

8- Production Design: 8/10

Not much to say. There were a lot of nautical sets and they all completely worked for the movie. Have you ever been to a beach? It looked like that so… mission accomplished… Moving on!

9- Casting: 9/10

There was only one mistake here… Oscar Nunez; well aside from Jon Bass who should have been me, but whatever don’t worry about it. I’m not worried about it, it’s fine. Whatever. Don’t get me wrong as an avid fan of The Office I love Oscar, but he just was not at all convincing as a Councilman. It felt like an inside joke. Other than that, the cast was perfect for their roles and they excelled in those roles. It was impeccable role play by everyone.

10- Effects: 8/10

It’s a popcorn flick! Get ready to flick the popcorn and enjoy the fun, cheesy effects! I mean to be fair, there’s plenty of good moments of very solid effects work, it’s just not like you’re watching Jungle Book or something. Besides, who needs CGI when Zac Efron looks like that? Or Alexandra Deddario? I mean… who needs a fake tiger? There’s… okay you get it.

Overall Score: 7.5/10

Sha-Boom! That’s right! This is… well it’s an average movie I guess by critical standards. There’s plenty of issues with the story, the details, the minutia of movie making… but who the eff cares?? This is Baywatch! You don’t go to this movie for minutia, you go for the sexy people on the sexy beach doing hilariously inappropriate things. The movie pokes fun at itself, it pokes fun at the classic show, and it doesn’t take anything too seriously. If you’re a reviewer and you left the movie unsatisfied, then grow a funny bone somewhere on your body and use it. My official recommendation is if you are at all interested in seeing the movie, go watch it! Don’t let the reviews scare you. If you’re not into fun, sexy people doing crazy things, then first feed your lonely cats and second don’t go watch the movie. Personally, I watched the movie and thought it was awesome. So suck it stupid people who review movies! What a waste of time…